What sleep science tells us about grief and dreams
During grief, sleep architecture often changes, especially REM sleep, the stage most associated with emotional memory processing.
REM sleep helps the brain update internal models of relationships. When someone dies suddenly, the brain is faced with a difficult task: reconciling the fact that a person who still exists internally no longer exists externally.
Dreams are one way the brain works on that
problem.
In modern bereavement psychology, this process is often described through the concept of continuing bonds. Contrary to older theories that suggested we must fully “let go” of the deceased, contemporary research shows that maintaining an internal relationship can be a healthy and adaptive part of
grieving. Dreams are one of the most common places this occurs.
Studies consistently show that:
- Many bereaved people report increased dream recall after loss
- Dreams of the deceased are especially common in early grief
- These dreams are often relational rather than symbolic
- Remembering and reflecting on these dreams is
associated with better emotional integration over time
Importantly, these dreams are not considered pathological. They are understood as part of the brain’s natural emotional processing system.
In other words:
Dreaming is part of the
work.
Ways to work with sleep and dreams
- If you remember a dream, write it down briefly in the morning without analyzing it.
- Notice how the relationship FEELS in the dream rather than what it “means”
- Share the dream with someone safe, or keep it contained in a journal
- If sleep feels fragmented, remember this can be a normal, temporary response to loss. REM/ dream sleep is very mentally active
and sometimes we can feel that we are awake within a dream watching ourselves dream. You very well may still be sleeping and getting the rest and emotional clearance that your brain needs.
Grief doesn’t only live in our waking hours.
Sometimes sleep is where the relationship finds its final language.
Its our nervous system is doing exactly what it knows how to do: trying to make sense of love, loss, and continuity.
With care,
Sarah
